Don’t Concern Yourself With That Book

‘It’s alright.’

Even through the burning pain in my flesh, my desire to win did not wane.

Because I decided that I would never give up.

I didn’t mind dying again. Because I could just start from the beginning. The only downside of regressing again would be seeing the face that I hated, the one that tortured me and the one I was already sick of seeing, again.

“You.”

In the meantime, Castor managed to shake the beast loose and decay it till it was pure divinity. Castor’s now free hand grabbed me by the neck.

“Why are you not falling into despair?”

“… Would you prefer it if I was in despair?”

Gasping for breath, I held onto his arm.

“Did you think… I would fall for you then?”

I let out the last breath I could muster.

“But what else can I do?”

How could his obsession be so sincere and clear to see? I could read his thoughts, everything that was going on inside his head.

“I will never give up.”

“I’ll be waiting.”

In the future, he would be waiting for me. Because my partner was calling for me.

That was the source of my strength.

“You’re wrong.”

Back when I had died countless times over, my strength had stemmed from a frail source. But the stronger the source of my strength, the stronger I got. As long as I never gave up hope, my power would never dissipate.

“Rather than love, urgh. My abhor seems to be more immense? No… If it’s for love, I can even abandon this abhor.”

Did they say my fate was to be like Kaltanias and to only lose people?

“That’s why, I will never lose people anymore.”

If I wished for it, anything was possible. I could find my path ahead of me. Auresia did tell me. That she wanted me, her daughter, to be happy.

Dane, Fleon, Hernan and Amor had all vanished, hoping that I could achieve what I wanted at last.

I reached out my arm and grabbed him by the neck.

‘I want to leave here.’

Something heavy appeared on the palm of my hand. Without thinking too much, I let go.

Thud.

The feeling of thrusting it into something felt agonising and strange but I felt joy.

“What do you think, Castor?”

My teeth were chattering. For the first time, I stabbed someone other than myself.

“I had once dreamed of stabbing you like this.”

Blood continued to rise out of my throat. The energy emitting from Castor’s blade that had pierced through my shoulder was slowly eroding my body away from the wound as though it had been laced with poison.

“Stab him with this. Stab him and think about what you wish for.”

With a dagger stuck in his chest, Castor curled his lips like a lunatic.

“To kill me?”

“…..”

“Just as I thought, it’s better that you hate me. Isn’t it? Since you hate me more than you love me.”

Our eyes did not avert from each other for even a moment. I could clearly see madness pulsating in his eyes.

“But I wouldn’t die even if you pierce my heart.”

That was impossible. I tried to refute him but a cough forced me to vomit blood, interrupting me.

Castor turned to face me with an expression of immense ecstasy and joy, like a mother bursting into tears after seeing her child for the first time.

“Ashley.”

He whispered my name sweetly, as though he was whispering my sweet nothings, with a tenderness tinted with madness.

“I had asked you. What this country meant to you. And what you thought of the emperor.”

I recalled his voice as he asked me those questions in the dark. Castor continued to talk sweetly as I walked in what felt like a dream.

Now, I found Castor standing in front of me with the sword asking me those questions he had back in that month of Habermia.

“What do I mean to you?”

The three questions had used to chain me up in so much agony. And now we were back to how we started, being asked the last question from that day.

But now, I spat out blood and laughed.

“You mean nothing to me.”

Tears welled up in his eyes. Feeling nauseous, a part of my heart felt ticklish.

“What do you mean by that?”

This was joy I was feeling. This ecstasy and joy as I fell like fireworks.

I gripped the dagger I thrusted into him tighter. It didn’t matter if my vision was blurring and clouding over.

“And who said I was going to kill you?”

Everyone told me that you were a piece of trash that deserved to die but even so, I didn’t want to kill someone like you and dirty my hands. If I killed someone myself, that meant I would have become someone like you.

And I would not become a monster.

“I will not kill you.”

Even after all that pain, death and losing more and more people, this was the path I was taking.

“If you don’t kill me, that means you’re choosing to stay by my side.”

He raised his voice as he grabbed my neck.

Dishevelled and tainted by blood and debris, this was a monster twisted by its own madness.

But I was not afraid of the being in front of me.

“No. I can walk into the future without killing you.”

I spoke clearly. At the same time, I gripped the dagger harder. While embodying the wishes everyone had left for me. What I wanted most at this very moment was…

“You cannot do anything!”

Castor, who instinctively noticed that something was amiss, squeezed my neck even harder.

“That’s why you lost.”

After I murmured the words stemming from the bottom of my heart, a dazzling burst of light separated the two of us.

My power was the price I paid for all the people I lost.

Just as his power was as well.

The white holy light that originated from the dagger swallowed Castor. I was also swallowed by that white shadow but rather than feeling anxious, I felt relaxed and comfortable.

‘It’s so bright.’

But for some reason, I could see him more clearly than before. I smiled.

“Now I understand.”

I had wanted to kill him. Alright, I guessed I did. I had wanted to kill Castor even though I knew that it was a trap he had set up for me. Still. Nonetheless.

“I didn’t kill you. Instead, I will erase you from my life.”

What was the most painful way for him to go? I had mulled over it for a while but I couldn’t reach an answer.

“Do you see this light? For just a moment, this has become my space.”

Ah. That was why this place felt so comfortable. Because I was the one who conjured it. A place made up of my divinity.

“You know. I think it’s possible for me to kill you here.”

Even if I were to die dozens more times and return to life, I would not turn out like him. After all, he and I had made different choices.

“There was only one answer to your question. You cannot sway me anymore.”

I was not a monster.

“From this moment on, you have become someone who means nothing to me.”

His eyes had widened frighteningly large. His hand reached out to me but he could not reach me.

“I don’t know what timeline you would be sent to or what space you would find yourself in.”

“Ashley Rosé.”

I smiled brightly. To the pitiful villain that dominated my life.

“I can do anything.”

He might not be able to catch me now, but I could catch him.

“I will be happy.”

“You can never be happy. Unless you are by my side, you can never be happy!”

Castor howled like an animal.

“I will never allow you to do that! I am not letting you go. Never!”

I whispered to him in the sweetest voice I could muster.

“You will not be able to find me nor hear me.”

The moment I made up my mind, at the same time, I saw his eyes widen along with the rest of his bewildered expression.

“Why? I-I won’t be able to see…”

“Yes. “The moment you think of me, you won’t be able to see.”

I whispered to him as I waved my hand.

“The moment you think of me, you won’t be able to call for me.”

This must have been the sweetest I had ever talked to him ever since we met.

“You must have loved me with all your heart, didn’t you?”

Whether it be because of his obsession or his tenacity. As ridiculous as it was, the sincerest thing about him were his feelings. The man who had oppressed and ignored the emotions of countless others, the man who had seemed to have forgotten any other emotion he was meant to possess had showered me with as much love.

Love that was as murky, dark and grim as the polluted sea. Even if it was an obsession in my eyes, to him, it must have been love.

I could see now.

After losing me, you would suffer as though you had fallen into hell.

“After you’re gone–”

And I would be the one to sentence him to that punishment.

“I will forget you.”

Like the nightmares I used to have of you. I hoped that he would have those nightmares too.

“After you fall into hell.”

I couldn’t help but to smile. The nightmares he would have till the day he forgets me would be a terrible punishment for him.

Pure anger twisted his scrunched up face filled with madness.

“I will not let that happen.”

He reached his hand out to me. But his hand merely brushed against me and even when he stretched out to me again, he could not grab onto me. As though he could not see where I was

“Where are you? Where did you go!”

He swung his hand around desperately like a dead man swimming in the rivers of hell towards me.

“Ashley, you cannot do this! You can’t!”

This was the first time I had seen him show despair. In the meantime, he exploded into anger.

“With this immense divinity I gained from you, I will forget everything. All my memories of you.”

I continued speaking while laughing at him.

“Like that day I lost all my memories.”

As I stared into his eyes, I smiled broadly.

“I will forget you.”

He would not be able to hear me anymore. I would even forget the last words I left for him. It was funny how even now, his blood still remained on my cheeks. Our last moment together felt pleasant, painful, sad and agonising. I wondered how much I had lost just to reach this moment. But now I could feel it. That this was really the end. Behind him, I noticed a huge sigil. Finally, I pushed his chest away and took one last step.

“Live in hell for the rest of your life.”